[ 教育觀 ] 美國專家教你如何面對孩子的不良行為（正面教育論，非無限鼓勵）上篇

首先玩一個文字聯(lián)想游戲。 
當(dāng)大家看到下面幾個詞語，第一反應(yīng)是什么，不要思考太多時間。 
天空，晚上，紀(jì)律 
當(dāng)你看到天空這個詞，也許腦海里第一反應(yīng)可能是藍(lán)色或者很高很高，看到夜晚，會想到黑暗或者白天。那紀(jì)律呢？想到的可能是懲罰或者糾正。 
紀(jì)律的同義詞是懲罰，這樣的觀念在我們心里已經(jīng)根深蒂固了。當(dāng)我們聽到“紀(jì)律”這個詞首先想到的通常是負(fù)面的東西。然而紀(jì)律這個詞的本意是教的意思，它是從disciplina 這個詞轉(zhuǎn)換來的，而disciplina的字面意思是學(xué)生。  相信測試的人中極少數(shù)人會把這兩個意思聯(lián)系在一起。 
然而今天探討的正面教育，就是將紀(jì)律從懲罰的意思回歸到教育的本質(zhì)上來。以下就是一些技巧，希望通過以下技巧，能夠慢慢改變我們對紀(jì)律的看法。 
1The core of positive discipline: There are no bad kids, just bad behavior.正面教育的核心：沒有不好的孩子，只有不良的行為。 
 

For instance, suppose your child hits another child. The first thing you feel is probably embarrassment and shame, followed closely by a fear that your child may have a “mean” streak. If you go with that feeling and call your child a “bad girl” or “naughty boy” you reinforce the negative image of your child both in your own mind and in your child’s.例如，假設(shè)你的孩子打了另一個孩子，開始你可能覺得尷尬和羞愧，緊隨其后會擔(dān)心孩子會養(yǎng)成壞脾氣。如果你一直有那樣的擔(dān)心，甚至給孩子貼上調(diào)皮或者淘氣的標(biāo)簽，這樣不僅在你的心里，同樣在孩子的心里都會強化這種負(fù)面形象。 
Your child may just be hungry/sleepy/tired or any of the hundred different stress triggers that may have made her act out. In other words, something in your child’s environment is influencing your child to behave badly. When we accept that it was just a behavior that was bad, and the child herself is fine –teaching instead of punishing becomes easier. 你的孩子可能會因為饑餓、困倦、疲勞或其他上百種不同激發(fā)壓力的任何一個，使她表現(xiàn)出不好的一面。換句話來說，孩子的成長環(huán)境影響孩子的行為。當(dāng)我們接受這樣的觀點：不好的只是孩子的行為，而孩子天性是好的——那么用教育的方式代替懲罰就會更有效。 

2Instead of pointing out what the child did wrong, show the child how to set things right不要指出孩子做錯了什么，而是應(yīng)該教他們?nèi)绾伟咽虑樽鰧?nbsp;
 

Building on the example above, let’s consider the best case situation first where you catch your child before she actually hits. However, instead of saying “Don’t hit” or “NO hitting” try saying “Use your words” or “Ask nicely”. When you say “Don’t hit” it does not give the child any information of what she should be doing instead. Without that knowledge, she may just end up going with her original plan to hit or she may choose to go with some other option which is equally bad – like shoving the other kid.基于上面的例子，我們以最好的情況考慮，在抓到孩子打人之前，嘗試教育他們好好跟其他小朋友說，而不是沖著他們說“住手，不要打”。因為這樣你沒有給孩子任何的信息關(guān)于他們該怎么做。沒有這方面的教育，她可能還是會以打的方式結(jié)束或者采取其他錯誤的方式，比如推開其他的孩子。 
Now, on the other hand, if you catch the child after the incident, convey that what she did was wrong and give her an “out”. For example, you could say “That was not a good choice, we don’t hit our friends. Do you want to say sorry and make Kaylee feel better?” and if your child is not ready to say sorry yet, you can continue with “Until we are ready to say sorry, let’s sit here and read a book”.另一種情況，在抓到孩子做錯了事情，你應(yīng)該給她一個臺階下。例如，你可能說：“打人不是一個好的行為，要不要對Kaylee說聲對不起，讓她感覺好一些？”如果你的孩子沒有打算去道歉的意思，你可以繼續(xù)說：“在沒有說對不起之前，我們就一直坐在這里看書”。 
3Be kind but firm; show empathy and respect保持善良而堅定；表現(xiàn)同情和尊重 
 

Now, in her mind, what she did was right and justified. It can be very frustrating when she insists on some wrong behavior as being right. As parents, instead of arguing back, we just need to stay calm and repeat what we said in a kind manner but very firmly. For instance, repeat “Hitting hurts, we do not hit our friends” and “Yes, sharing is good, but we do not hit someone even if they don’t share” and different variants of it,over and over without losing temper or raising voice.現(xiàn)在，在她心中，她所做的都是正確的，合理的。當(dāng)她堅持把錯誤的行為當(dāng)作正確來對待，這是多么令人沮喪的事情。作為父母，應(yīng)該保持冷靜，以溫和而堅定的方式重復(fù)我們剛才說的話，例如，重復(fù)這些話“打人很疼，我們不能打自己的朋友，”以及“是的，分享是件好事，但是我們也不能打那些不愿分享的人”。 
4Whenever possible, offer choices只要有可能，提供選擇 
 

After offering empathy, you can take it to the next level by offering her some choices. Choices give your child a sense of control. Not only is she not “bad”, instead of being “punished” she is given control… sometimes, that’s more than enough to snap a child out of a funk. This is one of the most common positive discipline techniques recommended by experts. 
在提供同情之后， 下一個層次，你可以給她提供一些選擇。選擇給你的孩子一種控制的感受。不僅使她并不變“壞”，而且給她控制的感受而不是懲罰…...有時，這足以幫助孩子走出困境。  這是由專家推薦的一種最常見的正面教育方法。 
5Treat mistakes as opportunities to learn把犯錯作為學(xué)習(xí)的機會 
 

A child will often act out because she perceives it as the means to get to an end. When you use bad behavior as an opportunity to teach them not only that what they did is wrong but also empower them with alternatives, it will help them in the future from using it as a tool even when you are not around.孩子經(jīng)常表現(xiàn)出不好的一面，因為她把這種行為當(dāng)作結(jié)束一件事情的方法。當(dāng)你把不良的行為當(dāng)作教育的機會，這不僅讓他們認(rèn)識到什么事情做錯了，而且他們也有自己選擇的余地，即使未來你不在他們身邊，只要他們把犯錯當(dāng)作學(xué)習(xí)，這將會對他們有很大的幫助。 
Try not to launch into a lecture though. If possible use examples and recollections from past behavior. “Do you remember last time when Tim hit you and how much it hurt? It made you mad/sad, right?” or “Remember when you fell off the chair and bumped your head? When you hit someone, it hurts the same way.”試著不要去演講般的說教，如果可以的話盡量用以前的行為和往事舉例。 “你還記得去年的時候，提姆打你，對你造成多大的傷害嗎？讓你感到特別的傷心難過，不是嗎？”或者“你還記得當(dāng)你從椅子上摔了下來撞到頭的情景嗎？這和你打人是一樣疼的。”