【教育觀】育兒妙招"Time Out"已經Out， 不要再對孩子使用隔離式的教育啦！

Ariadne BrillAriadne is a happy and busy mama to three children. She practices peaceful, playful, responsive parenting and is passionate about all things parenting and chocolate. Ariadne has a B.S. in Communication, is a certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator, and has completed several graduate courses in child development, psychology and family counseling. She lives on top of a beautiful mountain with her family, one cuddly dog and "bluey" the fish.

作為三個孩子的媽媽，阿里阿德涅是一位忙碌而又幸福的母親。她將平和，趣味，互動的教育方式付諸實踐并對教育相關的任何事情都充滿熱情，就像她對巧克力的熱情一樣。阿里阿德涅擁有傳媒學士學位，是一位通過認證的正面教育方面的專家，并完成了兒童成長發(fā)展，心理輔導，家庭咨詢等相關研究生課程。她和她的家人一起住在一座美麗的山上，養(yǎng)了一只可愛的小狗和一條叫"bluey" （小藍）的小魚。

孩子經常犯錯？卻又無計可施？尤其是面對任性，焦躁又缺乏一定理解力的孩子，真是讓很多家長煩惱不已。教育專家Ariadne Brill為我們提供了兩種看似相同，卻有實質區(qū)別的教育方式，家長們可以參考借鑒哦！

Time Out 和Time In的定義Time In：
Parent and Child stay together until child is calm and can talk about what happened.父母一直陪著孩子，直到孩子冷靜下來，然后一起談談剛剛發(fā)生過的事情，并作以引導。（通常稱為：“正向教育“或者”積極的暫?！?。）

Time Out :Child is sent to sit alone on naughty chair or stand in the corner for a set number of minutes.孩子被要求在特定時間段內獨自一人坐在椅子上或者站在角落里，互不交流。（通常稱為：“計時隔離”） 這兩種不同的教育方式，都旨在制止孩子不好的行為，幫助孩子學習更好的應對技巧，也給父母和孩子雙方一個冷靜的機會。

Time Out 和Time In的區(qū)別
What is the difference between a time out and time in? Is one better than the other?計時隔離和“積極的暫?！边@兩種教育方式有什么區(qū)別呢？到底哪一種更好呢？

Time Out 計時隔離

The traditional time out is when a child is told to go somewhere (like a chair or facing a wall), alone for a determined number of minutes.  Often parents are told to withhold attention and ignore any cries or requests from the child when using a time out.

傳統(tǒng)的計時隔離教育方式就是說，父母讓小孩獨自一人在特定區(qū)域內待上確定的一段時間，類似靜坐或者面壁思過。在用計時隔離方法管教小孩時，要求父母克制自己，忽視孩子的任何哭訴和要求。

Although the time out tactic can potentially prevent a behavior from occurring in the moment it can also make children feel abandoned, rejected, frightened and confused. Time outs are vastly popular and are  preferred to harsher traditional discipline tactics like spanking but it does not actually help children learn to regulate their emotions or help them learn moral values like right from wrong. Often, time outs lead to more power struggles.

雖然計時隔離策略可以潛在地防止一些當下發(fā)生的過激行為，但是這也會讓孩子感到被拋棄或受冷落，繼而感到害怕和困惑。相對于打屁股這種更為嚴苛的傳統(tǒng)懲罰教育方式，計時隔離更受家長們的青睞。然而，這種方式實際上并不能幫助孩子學會自我調節(jié)情緒，也不能讓他們學會明辨是非這樣的道德價值觀念。計時隔離也可能導致更多的權威命令的出現。

Some clues that time out is not actually working:
在以下情況中，計時隔離這種方式實際上是作用不大的：

最You feel the need to place your child in time out daily, sometimes hourly.

你覺得每天甚至每小時對孩子進行計時隔離教育是有必要的。

最When the child is in time out she repeatedly asks when she can get up.

當你的孩子正在面壁思過的時候，她總是反復地詢問什么時候結束。

最When the child is running away at the mention or threat of time out.

一旦提及要面壁思過或者用這種方式威脅時，孩子立馬就落荒而逃。

最 You feel the need to place your child in time out for everything they are dong “wrong”.

每當你的小孩犯錯時，你都覺得有必要用計時隔離方式來管教。

最When you find yourself using time out for the same offense over and over

 again.你發(fā)現自己用計時隔離來對待孩子，孩子卻總是反復地犯同樣的錯誤。

最You get angrier and angrier as you struggle to get your child to quiet down so you can start the timer.

為了能夠開始計時隔離，你越努力讓孩子安靜下來，自己卻變得越憤怒。

Time In 積極的暫停

The Positive parenting tool called time IN or positive time out is when a child that is having a difficult moment is kindly invited to sit somehere, near by a care giver  to express their feelings and eventually cool down.

正向教育也可以叫做熱處理或者“積極的暫停”。這種教育方式是將那些處于困境中的孩子友好地邀請到某個地方，并和他的看護人一起坐下來，然后在這種狀態(tài)下，讓孩子表達他們自己的想法直到他們的情緒平靜下來。

During the time in, parents are encouraged to empathize with the child’s feelings and often just quiet connection is all that is needed until the storm has passed. It doesn’t mean that you must let your child continue with a behavior that is inappropriate. The time in gives you the opportunity to really connect and then address whatever change needs to be made.

在“積極的暫?！边@種管教方式中，要鼓勵父母理解孩子的感受，這種友好的關系恰好是孩子所需要的，直到孩子情緒上的風暴過去。但這并不意味著你必須讓你的孩子繼續(xù)這一不恰當的行為?！胺e極的暫?！闭嬲峁┝艘粋€大人與孩子間相互交流的機會，這樣可以處理任何需要解決的問題。

Reasons Time IN or positive time out works:“積極的暫?！彼鸬淖饔?

最children are likely to feel that their needs are being considered.

孩子們可能會覺得他們的需求正在被考慮。

最there can be connection between parent and child before a correction is presented.

在糾正孩子的錯誤前，父母和孩子可以建立溝通的橋梁。

最children are given time to properly process a range of feelings

孩子可以獲得一定的時間來適當地調整自己的各種情緒。

最parents don’t feel out of control or create a power struggle to keep child in the time out.

父母不會感到失控或者必須用大人的權威命令孩子進行計時隔離。

最children don’t feel isolated, shamed or scared.

孩子不會有孤立感，或者感到羞愧和恐懼。

最It gives parent and children an opportunity to talk about the real issue at hand.

給父母和孩子提供一個真正可以交流問題的機會。

三案例分析
Recently at the swimming pool, one of the children I was looking after decided to do some diving in an area of the pool that was very shallow. After the first time I observed this asked kindly that the child find either a new swim move to do in that section or choose a deeper section in which to dive.  Excited and bounding with energy, the child worked on some new moves for a few minutes and then she proceeded to dive again in the shallow area.

最近我在照顧孩子的時候，其中一個孩子想在泳池的淺水區(qū)嘗試跳水。在我第一時間發(fā)現后，我和善地詢問她是否愿意在淺水區(qū)換一個新的游泳運動，或者是去深水區(qū)跳水。她非常興奮地在淺水區(qū)做了一些新動作后，又繼續(xù)嘗試在淺水區(qū)跳水了。

The excitement of the pool and the urge to dive was making it really difficult for the child to follow the pool safety rules.  I told her calmly we would be stepping out of the pool together so we could chat.  I acknowledged she was having lots of fun and let her know she could return to the pool soon and extended a hand so we could walk together.

在泳池的興奮和跳水的欲望，這些情緒使得孩子們很難遵循游泳池的安全準則。我平靜地告訴她我們可以一起離開泳池去聊聊天。從聊天中我知道了她玩得非常開心，并且我讓她認識到，她可以很快回到泳池繼續(xù)玩耍。我向她伸出一只手，這樣我們可以手牽手一起走。

We sat at the edge of the pool for about a minute. First I asked if she was having fun and she told me about her favorite parts of the swimming pool. Then I asked if she knew why we were taking a little break. “Because I was diving in the small water”. I told her I cared about her and her health and that diving in the shallow water could really harm her. She asked if she could try again, this time where the water was right for diving. We quickly talked about the water safety rules and she promised to follow them this time around.  We were able to enjoy the pool for the rest of the afternoon and there was no more diving in the shallow water.

我們在游泳池邊坐了一會兒。首先我問她在游泳池里是不是很開心，她告訴我說在游泳池里玩耍是她最喜歡的。接著我問她是否知道我們要休息一下的原因，她回答說是因為她在淺水區(qū)跳水。我告訴她，我很關心她和她的生命安全。在淺水區(qū)跳水真的很危險，可能會傷害到自己。她又詢問我她是否能再試一次，并保證這次會選擇正確的區(qū)域。我們快速地談了下游泳的安全準則，她保證這次一定會遵守。在剩下的午后時光里，我們都享受著在游泳池里的美好時刻，并且在淺水區(qū)跳水這樣的危險情況再也沒有出現過。

Might the result have been the same if I had told the child to “Get out of the pool and sit on that chair for 5 minutes” – well maybe, but certainly nobody would feel very good about it.

假設同樣的情況，我強制命令孩子“離開游泳池并在椅子上靜坐5分鐘”，或許這種計時隔離能達到同樣的效果。但是沒人能夠對這種方式產生好感。

It can certainly be difficult and even annoying to parent during times when children are beingdefiant, testing limits, pushing our buttons and being challenging.  Sure there are times when taking a break from each other will be advisable. The aim of a time out though doesn’t have to be to create struggle, it can really be a time for everyone to cool off, regroup and reconnect.

當孩子處在喜歡挑釁，或者是處在敢于挑戰(zhàn)和故意激怒大人的狀態(tài)下時，管教孩子確實是很困難又具有挑戰(zhàn)性的，甚至讓人感到惱怒。當然，這種時候選擇按下暫停鍵，進行一個特定的隔離是非常明智的。雖然這種暫停的目的不是為了樹立權威，但確實是可以讓每一個人都冷靜下來，重新建立良好的聯系。

綜上所述，表面看來，計時隔離和積極的暫停有相同之處，如都需要孩子冷靜，但又有本質區(qū)別。前者整個過程都是由孩子獨立完整，且一直處在受懲罰的氛圍中，也沒有正確的認知指向，所起到的效果是暫時性的。不過此法對突發(fā)狀況的中止又很有效。后者整個過程都有家長參與，氣氛緩和，不帶有過分的心理傷害，且有認知方面的引導，有助于問題的長久根治。但對突發(fā)狀況而言，明顯缺乏力度。所以，用什么樣的方式，如何使用，視情況而定。那么，你會使用計時隔離還是“積極的暫?！蹦?？或者兩者兼用？