【教育觀】八大對(duì)策，教你徹底告別一生氣就“大吼大叫”（上）

當(dāng)你憤怒無(wú)比時(shí)，是否嘗試過(guò)叫停自己對(duì)孩子的大吼大叫呢？相信很多家長(zhǎng)朋友都遇到過(guò)這種情況：和孩子的交流不暢，孩子有抵觸情緒，雙方的矛盾進(jìn)一步激化，你的情緒處在失控的邊緣。這時(shí)候，你很可能會(huì)忍不住對(duì)你的孩子大吼大叫，到頭來(lái)你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)，這對(duì)你們的溝通是更為不利的。有沒(méi)有想過(guò)改變這樣的局面呢？我們來(lái)看看一位外國(guó)母親是怎么做的吧！

怒

You can think all you want that the next time your kids provoke you, you will not react angrily no matter how mad you are. But seriously, when you are really mad, can you even think straight, let alone control your reaction?

當(dāng)下次孩子激怒自己時(shí)，不論自己有多生氣，都不會(huì)對(duì)孩子做出任何憤怒的反應(yīng)，這是你意愿上想要達(dá)到的效果?？蓪?shí)際上，當(dāng)你怒不可遏時(shí)，你還能冷靜地思考嗎？更別說(shuō)控制自己的反應(yīng)了。

Unless you have a solid plan of action under your sleeve, you will probably just end up yelling at your kids, feeling guilty, possibly apologizing and then repeating the whole behavior all over again.

除非你隨時(shí)都準(zhǔn)備著一個(gè)可靠的處理方案，否則你最終還是會(huì)對(duì)孩子大吼大叫，接著感到內(nèi)疚，后來(lái)可能還會(huì)給孩子道歉。但是下一次，你又會(huì)對(duì)孩子吼叫，如此重蹈覆轍。

If anything, that just erodes your connection with your kids further. That’s certainly not what we are going after here.

任何會(huì)破壞父母與孩子之間的關(guān)系的情況，都不是我們想要的。

If you really want to give your good intentions a fighting chance of success and ensure that you will indeed not yell at your kids no matter how mad you are,  you need to act now.

如果你希望你的美好意愿能夠有一絲機(jī)會(huì)成為現(xiàn)實(shí)，希望自己不論多么生氣都能真正叫停對(duì)孩子的吼叫，那么，請(qǐng)立即行動(dòng)起來(lái)！

Assuming you are not angry at the moment, now is the time to decide how you will respond at a later time when you indeed angry. Making a list of possible responses and then reaching out to your pre-committed choices when you are angry, substantially increases your chances of success. There is a whole body of research to support this.

在確定此刻自己的憤怒已經(jīng)平息后，你可以想想下次生氣的時(shí)候應(yīng)該怎么做。并列出一個(gè)可行方法的清單，在下次生氣時(shí)，就采取之前列好的清單里的方法，充分提高成功的幾率。有系統(tǒng)的研究結(jié)果支持這一觀點(diǎn)。

Research consistently shows that the more in advance you make a decision — irrespective of whether it is about your money, exercise or even which movie to watch — the more likely you are to make better choices. The closer you are to the decision point, the more short-sighted your decision gets, with spot decisions made under pressure being some of your worst ones. Additionally, if you make a choice and commit to it, and when a situation arises, you completely bypass your brain and reach out to a pre-committed choice, you can avoid the detrimental outcomes of short-sighted decisions.

研究一致表明：不論是有關(guān)資金，活動(dòng)，還是在選擇所要觀看的電影等問(wèn)題上，人們?cè)皆缱鰶Q定，越可能做出更好的選擇。如果是在臨近決策點(diǎn)時(shí)才做決定，那么你的決定必然是缺乏遠(yuǎn)見(jiàn)的，而迫于壓力的臨時(shí)決定是最糟糕的。相反，如果你盡早做決定并將其貫徹落實(shí)，一旦情況有變，你可以不假思索地選擇一個(gè)之前考慮過(guò)的選擇，這樣就可以避免一個(gè)缺乏遠(yuǎn)見(jiàn)的決定可能帶來(lái)的不利結(jié)果。

It is a deceptively simple technique and this week, lets put that to test to ensure that no matter how angry or frustrated we are, we will not yell at our kids. What we’ll do is, we’ll take some time today to just think of what to do instead of yelling at kids when we get angry and mentally commit to pull out one of these responses when we do get angry.

這看似是一個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的技巧。這周我們就來(lái)做一個(gè)測(cè)試，不論我們有多憤怒，有多挫敗，都不能對(duì)孩子大吼大叫。我們需要做的就是花點(diǎn)時(shí)間去思考，哪些方式可以代替對(duì)孩子的吼叫，并且在我們真的生氣時(shí)，選擇其中一種方式作為回應(yīng)就好。

關(guān)鍵詞：8大方法

1.置身事外 Get out of the situation

If I am at home, I will ask my husband if he can take over and I just walk out of the room for a few minutes. Yes, that means I literally dump the situation on him. From pastexperience, I’ve noticed that most often since he was not in the middle of it when the storm brewed he is in a much better situation to handle it without yelling and I get a break to cool off.

如果爭(zhēng)執(zhí)的情況是發(fā)生在家里的話，我會(huì)要求自己的丈夫來(lái)接管孩子，自己離開(kāi)房間一會(huì)兒，讓自己“置身事外”。這意味著我將目前的局面完全扔給了他。根據(jù)以往的經(jīng)驗(yàn)，我注意到，由于他很少處于這種和孩子爭(zhēng)吵的情況中，當(dāng)孩子激怒我時(shí)，他具備更好的狀態(tài)來(lái)管教孩子而不會(huì)對(duì)其吼叫。同時(shí)，我也獲得了平復(fù)心情的機(jī)會(huì)。

Of course this works vice versa too. When I notice that my husband is starting to lose it, I’ll step in and scoop up, so he can step out.

當(dāng)然，這個(gè)辦法反之亦然。當(dāng)我注意到我丈夫的情緒開(kāi)始失控時(shí)，我就會(huì)主動(dòng)介入去管教孩子，讓他暫時(shí)可以“置身事外”。

As for my daughter, just the change of scene, where one parent steps out and the other steps in, seems to help a lot to diffuse the situation.

改變一下現(xiàn)在所處的狀態(tài)，讓處于憤怒的一方“置身事外”，并讓另一方主動(dòng)介入。這種方式對(duì)我的女兒來(lái)說(shuō)，非常有助于緩和當(dāng)前的緊張形勢(shì)。

2.讓女兒知道我很憤怒Let my daughter know that I’m angry 
 

Again, from past experience I know this one works. Instead of just snapping, I take a deep breath and tell her “Mommy is getting really mad now, Sweetie”.

同樣，根據(jù)過(guò)去的經(jīng)驗(yàn)，這個(gè)方法也是很有效的。比起大吼大叫，我會(huì)做一個(gè)深呼吸然后告訴她：“寶貝，媽媽現(xiàn)在真的很生氣！”

Sometimes, she will stop the offending behavior, but more often than not, she counters back with “I am mad too” or “No, you CANNOT be mad” (She is 5 years old and that is avalid argument in her book).

她偶爾會(huì)停止抵觸的行為，但大部分時(shí)間都會(huì)繼續(xù)。她會(huì)用“我也很生氣”或者“你不可能會(huì)生氣”作為還擊。（她目前只有五歲，在她的認(rèn)知里這種爭(zhēng)論是合理的。）

Either ways, a channel of communication is established.

不管她是怎樣想的，至少溝通的橋梁已經(jīng)建立起來(lái)了。

After that I just walk away and let her be for a few minutes to calm herself down. And take my time to calm myself down.Or hold her in my lap and say, “Let’s both be very quiet for a few minutes until we calm down”.

在表達(dá)了自己的情感后，我就會(huì)離開(kāi)一會(huì)兒以便讓她平靜下來(lái)，同時(shí)也讓自己平靜下來(lái)?；蛘呶視?huì)讓她坐在我的腿上，抱著她說(shuō)：“讓我們都安靜幾分鐘，直到冷靜下來(lái)，好嗎？”

I got this last step from the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. I felt really hokey the first time I tried it — I mean, I was hopping mad and she was bawling at the top of her lungs! But then, quite unexpectedly, my daughtervisibly calmed down, and when I was setting her down from my lap she said “I want to hug some more, mama”.

最后這一步是我從一本書(shū)上學(xué)到的，這本書(shū)叫《父母平和孩子快樂(lè)：如何停止吼叫，與孩子建立理想關(guān)系》。 我最開(kāi)始嘗試這種方法時(shí)，覺(jué)得很做作。我的意思是在我怒不可遏的時(shí)候，她卻在聲嘶力竭的哭鬧。但在我嘗試過(guò)后，令我意外的是，女兒竟然很明顯地平靜了下來(lái)。當(dāng)我將她從我的腿上放下來(lái)時(shí)，她說(shuō)：“媽媽，我還想要抱抱?！?/p>

So we just sat there for some more time, in a sappy scene I wouldn’t have imagined possible just a few minutes before, her sniffling and me trying to calm down, rocking each other. And then she declared “I’m done now”, and hopped off and started playing as though nothing ever happened.

因此我就抱著她多坐了一會(huì)兒，我在幾分鐘前根本想象不到，會(huì)有這種令人動(dòng)容的場(chǎng)景。她坐在我懷里抽泣，而我試圖平靜下來(lái)，我們互相安慰著對(duì)方。過(guò)了一會(huì)兒她說(shuō)：“我沒(méi)事了”，并從我腿上跳下來(lái)跑去玩了，就好像什么事也沒(méi)有發(fā)生過(guò)一樣。

3.在限定時(shí)間內(nèi)結(jié)束沖突Set a time limit to end the hostilities 
 

The scariest thing about getting mad is that there is no clear boundary to when things will settle back to normal again. I’ve found that intentionally setting that boundary helps a lot to get the situation under control.

最可怕的事情是當(dāng)你生氣時(shí)，你不知道什么時(shí)候才是從憤怒回到正常狀態(tài)的具體界限。我發(fā)現(xiàn)有意識(shí)地設(shè)定一個(gè)界限，對(duì)控制形勢(shì)有很大的幫助。

I remember, once when I started getting mad, I hissed out, “I am very mad now, so I am going to go wash the dishes and try to calm down. When I am done with the dishes I will be done being mad”.

記得有一次我很憤怒，我咬牙切齒地說(shuō)：“氣死我了，我先去洗下碗讓自己冷靜下來(lái)。等我把碗洗完了，我也就不生氣了。”

My daughter pitifully cried “I don’t want you to be mad at me, mama” and I said as calmly as I could “I am not mad at you. I still love you. But you have not finished eating yet and it’s getting very late. I am tired and feeling crabby (a term she understands). I need some time to calm down. And you need to finish eating. I will be over here washing dishes”.

我女兒可憐地哭道：“媽媽，我不想讓你生氣。”我盡力保持冷靜地說(shuō)：“我并沒(méi)有生你的氣，我還是很愛(ài)你的。但是現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)很晚了，你還沒(méi)有吃完飯。我現(xiàn)在很疲憊，心情有點(diǎn)煩躁，我需要冷靜下，你繼續(xù)把飯吃完，我先去洗碗?！?/p>

She started whining at first and when she got nothing out of me, suddenly (and very surprisingly!) there was silence on her end. All I could hear was the sound of spoon on the plate and a declaration a few minutes later that she was done.

起初，她開(kāi)始抱怨。但當(dāng)她沒(méi)有從我這里得到任何回應(yīng)后，突然就安靜了下來(lái)。接著我所聽(tīng)到的就只有勺子和盤(pán)子碰撞的聲音，幾分鐘后，她告訴我她吃完了。

I rinsed and dried my hands, walked over to her, inspected her plate and gave her a big smile. And she gave me a big hug to make me feel better. All was well with the world again.

我清洗了下手并擦干， 走到她的面前，檢查了她的盤(pán)子并給了她一個(gè)大大的笑臉。她也給了我一個(gè)大大的擁抱，這讓我感覺(jué)更好了，甚至整個(gè)世界都變得美好起來(lái)。

One more dinnertime explosion avoided. And one more trick in my parenting toolkit that is proven to work .

這個(gè)方法成功地避免了一次晚餐時(shí)的沖突。同時(shí)也證明了，我的育兒手冊(cè)中的這種方式是有效的。

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